Moving On?

Do you ever hear something and have to stop and wonder "did I just hear that right?" On Friday, Donnie and I were discussing the possibility of moving out of Kentucky. Let me just say, for the most part I love my life here. I love that my kids can play and not have to constantly look over their shoulder; I love that at any time of the day and night I can call on my neighbors for help; most of all, I love my friends that I've made here. Still, Maryland is home. It's where I grew up and where a good chunk of my mom's family still lives. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't miss my cousins and wish I could be there and be in their lives more. Regardless, I have to find a job, no matter where I am. So, I brought up the idea of moving back to the Maryland area if it meant finding better jobs for both of us. Mind you, I did a search on Career builder and found twenty some pages of jobs that had been posted within 24 hours in the Frederick area and in Lexington I'm lucky to get 20 pages if I search for a month's worth of postings.

Nancy and Dim are looking at houses close to home because that's where she wants to raise her kids. She had mentioned they liked a house that includes a guest house out back. No, I'm not really looking to live next door to my sister forever....we'd kill each other. However, it would be an opportunity to get settled in a job before looking for a house of our own. It's not a big place and it wouldn't be ideal to live in for any length of time if we're talking about Donnie, Hunter, Richie and I. Still, it would be a start to a new life.

When I brought the idea up to Donnie, I simply said it would be a great opportunity. I also let him know that I understood and I still understand how difficult it might be to move and be able to take Hunter. While we have custody of him at this moment, moving out of state could mean leaving him behind with his mom if she wanted to push. And...she will push, no matter what we do, because that's what she does. I wanted Donnie to know that even if it sounded like a good deal, I do love him and the boys and I wouldn't want to make a decision that would tear our family apart just because. Donnie however, just looked at me and said, "if you want to take Richie and go then that's fine, I'll be okay, we'll manage." Just a note to all the guys out there...this is not the proper response to any discussion even remotely close to the one we were having. That is, unless you really do just want her to leave.

I was kind of stunned by his answer and felt sort of numb the rest of the day. To be honest, I went ahead and applied for some of the open jobs in the Frederick area. If I get one, then I know that's where I need to go. It hurt quite a bit to be told it didn't matter if I stayed or if I left. I'll be the first to admit, I don't worry too much about how anyone else feels if I'm hurt, I do what I feel like I need to do and everyone else be darned!

When I got home Friday I was still reeling from our conversation and really didn't feel like there was much left to be said. To his credit, Donnie noticed something was bothering me and stopped me to ask what was wrong. I told him, exactly what was wrong, in a not very kind manner. To my way of thinking, if it didn't matter if I left tomorrow, what did he care about what was bothering me? Furthermore, if he just assumed I leave, what would be the point in staying any longer? He explained that he didn't mean it that way but that if I wanted to go, he wouldn't blame me. The thing is, if I just walked away, I'd blame me.

Still, this has started my mind spinning. I know Donnie and Hunter won't be able to go if I move out of Kentucky. There's no way his ex-wife will let that happen. However, it's becoming more and more apparent that I have to find another job besides the daycare. We're not making any money and I don't want to put Nina into the hole either. So, I guess I'm just going to have to keep looking everywhere for a job and where I get one, that's where I'll go. As much as I love Donnie and the boys, love isn't going to put food on our table or pay the rent. For now, I'm just trusting that God will point me in the direction he wants me to go.