There is a genius living in my house. He's 6'2", 180 some pounds, seventeen years old and he knows EVERYTHING. If you don't believe me, you only have to ask him. It doesn't matter how much evidence you may have to the contrary, you are wrong and he is always right. This genius is named Bobby and he is my oldest stepson.
Bless his heart, I love him more and more every day. However, I'm anxiously waiting for him to grow out of his know it all phase and grow up. That being said, I'm not in a hurry for him to grow all the way up. I'm not ready for him to be out of the house, knowing that our time with him will be hit or miss. This is our last year as a full family before he goes off to college in the fall. I want to cherish every moment we have together, even if I have to argue the necessity of it.
I can honestly say though, I'm not alone. Bobby argues with anyone and everyone. I've heard him on the phone with his mother and she is so patient with him. I can hear her on the other end saying "okay Bobby, whatever you say." She and I have already learned, there is no point in arguing. He must have the last word. There is no way on God's green earth he is going to stop talking until you've given up and walked away. Even then, you can usually hear him mumbling behind you about how wrong you really are.
Unfortunately, the other males in our household have not discovered the uselessness of arguing. Donnie is forty-two years old. I keep telling him to let things go. Some things, Bobby will have to learn for himself. You can give him your opinion, you can put your two cents in, but he's still going to do it his way. Why? Because his way is the right way! Still, Donnie and Bobby are more alike than they care to admit. Neither one can stand to be wrong, both must have the last word and neither of them are afraid to resort to threats. Bobby's general threats are that he'll go live with his mom. Donnie's are that he's going to ground him and take away his car. Will either of them carry these out? Not a chance! Bobby doesn't want to have to get up earlier to drive himself to school from his mom's house, not to mention the behavior expected of him from his mother. I admit, we let words slide in our home that she doesn't. Though I'd prefer not to hear them, at seventeen, I'm not about to start telling him now that he can't say what he means. Donnie on the other hand, thinks his threats will bother Bobby, even though Bobby knows, nothing will actually happen. Taking his car away would mean dad has to get up and take them all to school because even he doesn't want them riding the bus. (ask me if I care if they ride the bus to school at 9, 10 and 17 years old!)
Our younger boys find it impossible not to argue with Bobby. While Hunter gets mad and usually cries when he doesn't win the argument, Richie stomps off mumbling like my mother. Part of this I think is that Hunter, until Donnie and I got together, was programmed to fuss and cause trouble. Bobby could be on the other end of the house and if Hunter pouted and yelled his name, Bobby would end up in trouble. Now, Hunter seems to think it should still work that way. So, he argues on. He has to be right too. There's no way he could let Bobby have the last word and try as I might, I can't get Bobby to understand that there's no pride to be had in winning an argument with a 10 year old. Nope, neither one is willing to give. Usually, Hunter is reduced to yelling and crying and the boys have to be separated. Richie on the other hand swears he's right. Unfortunately, he generally picks things to argue over that even I know he's wrong, simply because he has no knowledge of the subject he is arguing. Just for once, I'd love to have him argue over a book he read...Bobby isn't much of a reader so at least I could take Richie's side and be pretty sure he's right. However, as he didn't spend the first 8 years of his life in a household where sports were life, I'm pretty sure it isn't wise for him to argue baseball, basketball or football. Does that stop him? Nope, not one bit! He's positive he knows what he's talking about and I have to give him credit, when he chooses a side on a topic, he's unwaveringly faithful to his position. Still, he's usually wrong too and at some point in the argument, Bobby will throw out some concrete evidence that he's right which sends Richie stomping into his room mumbling about looking it up online later.
None of this is foreign to me. I'll freely admit that there are times when I miss being a teenager and knowing everything. Not to mention, I have no problem owning up to the fact that the older my children get, the less I seem to know and remember. Still, I've spent my days arguing over nothing. No, seriously, never are any of these arguments life or death situations. No one will die because I mixed up the names of the Quarterbacks on the Super Bowl teams or on a player's NFL history. Still, as I've grown older, I've either learned not to argue unless it matters or I'm turning into Maxine and I just don't give a hoot. Either way, it utterly amazes me that regardless of age, the males around me can not grasp the concept of only arguing when it counts. So, I simply shake my head and walk away; put in my iPod headphones and know, I don't want to hear what they're mumbling behind my back. It's not an argument I'm going to win, after all, my kid is a genius!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Fed Up
While the sentiments shared in the original post are very much how I feel at times. I've chosen to remove it and just simply say, I'm fed up in general. Though I find no shame in telling people how I feel. I don't see it necessary to possibly hurt someone's feelings simply because I posted my thoughts and feelings here instead of telling them directly. While there are many who would simply read my little blow up as just that, me letting off some steam. There are others who would take it very personally. I may not be responsible for how they view things but I will be polite enough not to push those buttons.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Sign On The Dotted Line
Today was a big day in our family. Bobby signed with Kentucky Christian University to play football starting next fall. It was a proud moment for me to watch him sign his commitment to such a great place. This was a day I worried wouldn't happen for him. For you to understand that last statement, let me back up some.
Bobby's had a tough time in life. When he was young, his little brother James died in a drowning accident. Bobby wasn't there at the time and blames himself for not being there to watch James. Mind you, Bobby was 7 or 8 at the time. Still, it has been something that's always weighed on him. Donnie's divorce from Bobby's mom was final before Bobby was even two years old so he doesn't remember much of them as a family. Until he was in middle school, Bobby lived with his mom and step-father.
Now, I was not in Bobby's life then so I can't say for sure what all happened. However, as Bobby tells it, he was abused by his step-father. As Donnie tells it, Bobby was malnourished when Bobby came to live with him. According to Bobby's mother, things were fine until Bobby's step-mother came into the picture. In any case, things were tough on Bobby while living with his mom and he pushed to come live with his dad. After a while, his mother gave in and allowed him to move here to live with Donnie and his wife.
Again, this was not a part of Bobby's life I got to see personally, but the residual effects are there and I see them. In Donnie's house, his soon to be ex-wife was the boss, to put it mildly. She had three older children from a previous marriage and then she and Donnie had Hunter after they'd been married for a couple years. So, Bobby went from being the big brother to being one of three middle children, smack dab in a big mixed mess. His stepsister is to this day, a very selfish and unkind person. She has no trouble saying hurtful things or stirring up trouble for Bobby. Though Hunter looks up to his brother, he was the baby and he knew it. He knew how to get around things by causing trouble and Bobby was an easy target because, really, he was the outsider in the family.
Almost two years ago, Donnie's wife walked out, leaving behind her youngest from her first marriage, Bobby and Hunter. Her son moved in with his Grandmother because that's where he'd been spending most of his time anyway. Bobby however, did not want to leave behind his school, his friends, Hunter or Donnie to move back into his mother's house. In the time between when she left and we met, I've been told that Bobby pretty much took care of things at home. Donnie fell deeper into depression than ever before and was prone to some serious mood swings. In reality, the boys were on their own to take care of one another.
When Donnie and I moved in together, things could get tense and tough in the house. It seemed Bobby and Donnie both were just ticking time bombs of emotion, ready to explode at any second. Bobby bore the brunt of every bad mood Donnie had and Hunter used that to his benefit. However, I don't handle double standards very well. As far as I'm concerned, it takes two to tango. If there was a fight or disagreement, both boys were at fault and both should be punished. It took some time, but Donnie quit seeing Hunter as a defenseless baby that couldn't understand what was going on. He learned to give both boys credit for having the brains and ability to discuss and issue without shouting and fighting.
For months, things were looking up for Bobby. We hadn't had an outburst or any kind. Little arguing over chores and an increased awareness of the responsibilities he had to himself as a person. He'd begun to think before acting, reacting or speaking. Bobby was understanding that once an action or word is out, it can't be taken back as though it never happened. Then, one day in May, we got the phone call. Bobby had been in a fight at school and he was in the Sheriff's office.
Now, I don't quite understand how this all worked, as Bobby was the only one to get in trouble for this altercation. Where I grew up, even if you didn't throw a punch, you were suspended because, generally, people don't just walk up to someone and knock them out without there being a history behind it. However, here Bobby was prosecuted for assault and assigned to juvenile detention. Donnie and I were furious as was his mother. This other child had harassed Bobby and his girlfriend to the extent that he'd followed the girl into the bathroom. The school administration knew about it but, to cover themselves, they pushed through the charges against Bobby. For a week, our bright, newly maturing and too trusting child was locked away like a common criminal.
When Bobby came home, they put him on probation for a year under strict regulations. He has to keep a chart of everything he does and everywhere he goes. He has a curfew and Donnie, his mother or I have to be with him if he is out past that time. Despite all this, Bobby has tried hard to maintain his focus in school. His grades are all A's and B's and he works out with the football team every day. Still, the other child has been allowed to harass him regularly during the school day. Bobby now has parts of the school he's not allowed to be in to "avoid any issues." We are all more than irritated by this situation. If Bobby had hung himself or slit his wrist because this child harassed him, the school would call him a victim and hold a memorial. Everyone would walk around talking about what a shame it was to waste such a young life. Instead, Bobby stood up for himself and has been branded a bully. He has had to work harder than all the other students to prove his worth and his abilities. We worried that the stress of this would tear him apart.
Instead, we stood today and watched as he signed on for the next step in his life. He's grown stronger because of all he's endured. Not only will he go on to college but he will go to a school that will value him as a person and help him to become the man God has made him to be. His professors and his coaches will appreciate the beautiful work God has done and will continue to do in him. They will help him grow and be by his side through it all. As the people who love him, we couldn't ask for anything more.
Bobby's had a tough time in life. When he was young, his little brother James died in a drowning accident. Bobby wasn't there at the time and blames himself for not being there to watch James. Mind you, Bobby was 7 or 8 at the time. Still, it has been something that's always weighed on him. Donnie's divorce from Bobby's mom was final before Bobby was even two years old so he doesn't remember much of them as a family. Until he was in middle school, Bobby lived with his mom and step-father.
Now, I was not in Bobby's life then so I can't say for sure what all happened. However, as Bobby tells it, he was abused by his step-father. As Donnie tells it, Bobby was malnourished when Bobby came to live with him. According to Bobby's mother, things were fine until Bobby's step-mother came into the picture. In any case, things were tough on Bobby while living with his mom and he pushed to come live with his dad. After a while, his mother gave in and allowed him to move here to live with Donnie and his wife.
Again, this was not a part of Bobby's life I got to see personally, but the residual effects are there and I see them. In Donnie's house, his soon to be ex-wife was the boss, to put it mildly. She had three older children from a previous marriage and then she and Donnie had Hunter after they'd been married for a couple years. So, Bobby went from being the big brother to being one of three middle children, smack dab in a big mixed mess. His stepsister is to this day, a very selfish and unkind person. She has no trouble saying hurtful things or stirring up trouble for Bobby. Though Hunter looks up to his brother, he was the baby and he knew it. He knew how to get around things by causing trouble and Bobby was an easy target because, really, he was the outsider in the family.
Almost two years ago, Donnie's wife walked out, leaving behind her youngest from her first marriage, Bobby and Hunter. Her son moved in with his Grandmother because that's where he'd been spending most of his time anyway. Bobby however, did not want to leave behind his school, his friends, Hunter or Donnie to move back into his mother's house. In the time between when she left and we met, I've been told that Bobby pretty much took care of things at home. Donnie fell deeper into depression than ever before and was prone to some serious mood swings. In reality, the boys were on their own to take care of one another.
When Donnie and I moved in together, things could get tense and tough in the house. It seemed Bobby and Donnie both were just ticking time bombs of emotion, ready to explode at any second. Bobby bore the brunt of every bad mood Donnie had and Hunter used that to his benefit. However, I don't handle double standards very well. As far as I'm concerned, it takes two to tango. If there was a fight or disagreement, both boys were at fault and both should be punished. It took some time, but Donnie quit seeing Hunter as a defenseless baby that couldn't understand what was going on. He learned to give both boys credit for having the brains and ability to discuss and issue without shouting and fighting.
For months, things were looking up for Bobby. We hadn't had an outburst or any kind. Little arguing over chores and an increased awareness of the responsibilities he had to himself as a person. He'd begun to think before acting, reacting or speaking. Bobby was understanding that once an action or word is out, it can't be taken back as though it never happened. Then, one day in May, we got the phone call. Bobby had been in a fight at school and he was in the Sheriff's office.
Now, I don't quite understand how this all worked, as Bobby was the only one to get in trouble for this altercation. Where I grew up, even if you didn't throw a punch, you were suspended because, generally, people don't just walk up to someone and knock them out without there being a history behind it. However, here Bobby was prosecuted for assault and assigned to juvenile detention. Donnie and I were furious as was his mother. This other child had harassed Bobby and his girlfriend to the extent that he'd followed the girl into the bathroom. The school administration knew about it but, to cover themselves, they pushed through the charges against Bobby. For a week, our bright, newly maturing and too trusting child was locked away like a common criminal.
When Bobby came home, they put him on probation for a year under strict regulations. He has to keep a chart of everything he does and everywhere he goes. He has a curfew and Donnie, his mother or I have to be with him if he is out past that time. Despite all this, Bobby has tried hard to maintain his focus in school. His grades are all A's and B's and he works out with the football team every day. Still, the other child has been allowed to harass him regularly during the school day. Bobby now has parts of the school he's not allowed to be in to "avoid any issues." We are all more than irritated by this situation. If Bobby had hung himself or slit his wrist because this child harassed him, the school would call him a victim and hold a memorial. Everyone would walk around talking about what a shame it was to waste such a young life. Instead, Bobby stood up for himself and has been branded a bully. He has had to work harder than all the other students to prove his worth and his abilities. We worried that the stress of this would tear him apart.
Instead, we stood today and watched as he signed on for the next step in his life. He's grown stronger because of all he's endured. Not only will he go on to college but he will go to a school that will value him as a person and help him to become the man God has made him to be. His professors and his coaches will appreciate the beautiful work God has done and will continue to do in him. They will help him grow and be by his side through it all. As the people who love him, we couldn't ask for anything more.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Basketball Season
Last week, the school basketball season began. We now have anywhere from two to five days a week devoted to ballgames. While I love watching the boys play ball, I don't get into it quite as much as they and Donnie do. Perhaps it's that basketball isn't nor has it ever been, my sport. I love baseball and football and have tried to learn everything I can about those games. However, we never watched basketball in my house and well, I'm not exactly basketball material on the court. I don't really know what constitutes a foul in basketball, I have no idea how one person can be called for a walk while another can do what looks like the same thing and go on without turning the ball over.
It's for this reason that I no longer sit with Donnie at the basketball games. To him, it's all a foul. If for any reason, it looks even closely like a foul, he wants it called. I don't get it. I will give him this, he's a lot less vocal than he was last year during basketball season but, he's still too vocal for me. While I like watching the kids play, I'll admit, the big draw is having an excuse to spend a couple hours with friends I wouldn't normally get to see so often. I have no problem owning up to the joy ball season gives me because well, I don't get out much unless it's for work or the kids.
Beyond that, it's nice that we have something we can do as a family. Even Bobby comes to Richie and Hunter's games. To me that's a very big deal. More than the fact that both little boys love to have him there, is that at 17 he chooses to be there to support them. How many teenagers would give up time from their social calendar to be there for their younger siblings, without a parent mandate? I have to hand it to him, he's even up for Hunter's 9am games on Saturdays. Those are games that even I've considered skipping.
The season will most likely wear on us all as it goes on. It means Richie and Hunter have no spare time on game nights because they'll have to get through homework and dinner before going to their games. Game nights are later bedtimes and quick showers as to not push bedtime back any further. Saturdays are often early mornings and late nights since both Bobby and Hunter play for the day with hours separating the games. Still, this is our last year to have Bobby with us through the season. Next year he'll go off to college and we'll enter into a whole new challenge, college and little league football games, sometimes on the same days. Even then, I won't be sitting with Donnie in the stands!
It's for this reason that I no longer sit with Donnie at the basketball games. To him, it's all a foul. If for any reason, it looks even closely like a foul, he wants it called. I don't get it. I will give him this, he's a lot less vocal than he was last year during basketball season but, he's still too vocal for me. While I like watching the kids play, I'll admit, the big draw is having an excuse to spend a couple hours with friends I wouldn't normally get to see so often. I have no problem owning up to the joy ball season gives me because well, I don't get out much unless it's for work or the kids.
Beyond that, it's nice that we have something we can do as a family. Even Bobby comes to Richie and Hunter's games. To me that's a very big deal. More than the fact that both little boys love to have him there, is that at 17 he chooses to be there to support them. How many teenagers would give up time from their social calendar to be there for their younger siblings, without a parent mandate? I have to hand it to him, he's even up for Hunter's 9am games on Saturdays. Those are games that even I've considered skipping.
The season will most likely wear on us all as it goes on. It means Richie and Hunter have no spare time on game nights because they'll have to get through homework and dinner before going to their games. Game nights are later bedtimes and quick showers as to not push bedtime back any further. Saturdays are often early mornings and late nights since both Bobby and Hunter play for the day with hours separating the games. Still, this is our last year to have Bobby with us through the season. Next year he'll go off to college and we'll enter into a whole new challenge, college and little league football games, sometimes on the same days. Even then, I won't be sitting with Donnie in the stands!
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